Sometimes I fall down rabbit holes.
Say yes to more things. Learn how to say no. Speak up why are you mumbling please keep your voice down oh my god don’t say that out loud why don’t you spend time with me why don’t you give me space you are too big you are taking up too much room you are
You put your hands on my shoulders, and I am above ground, above water once more. Keenly aware of the air rushing in and out of my chest, I hum a “thank you” in your direction. You are sure and solid ground. I know I can lean into you, push back against everything I love and hate and don’t understand because you love and hate and don’t understand. You are warm skin and you are kind eyes and you are a smile that’s keeping a secret and you are made up.
You aren’t there to hold my shaking hands when I wake up wrong, and that only makes me shake more. I don’t know what’s worse.