(I have no blog post ideas. Work with me.)
These are what conversations sound like these days:
“Hi! How are you?”
“Doing well. How’re you?”
“Oh, you know. Living the dream.”
“What’re you up to?”
I fiddle with my rings. I breathe in. I respond.
“Work. School. The bars. You know how it is.”
Big smile. Hug. Continue (speed) walking to wherever I’m going.
But how is it? Does that person know how it is? (Does that person care?)
Why are we so shy to be honest with how we’re doing?
I’m working nearly 30 hours a week rolling burritos for most of MU’s student population. I need to finish a lit review for a research project I’m actually excited about doing. I’m trying to do the thing where you don’t shampoo every day and it’s really stressing me out because I’m terrified of my hair looking greasy. I am putting off laundry for longer than normal because it’s too cold outside to lug my laundry basket down the stairs. My foot is sore and I’m tired of dragging this boot around. I am on some weird cusp between loving my body’s flaws and plunging into despair about the beauty status quo. Dogs are the best. I talk about my crushes entirely too much to anyone who will listen. I’ve stopped doing my eyeliner every day in favor of minimal makeup and I think I like it. I go to the same bar every time I go out and they know me there and it’s an incredible feeling. I miss a human I’ve never met in person. I cried on my walk home Saturday night. My hands are always cold. I have too many crushes on too many cute people. I need to watch more movies. My depression and anxiety are so much more under control and I feel like myself again. I need to buy groceries and toilet paper. There is so much good music in the world. I think I forgot how to write. Still haven’t gone on a date. I don’t call my family enough. It feels like winter will never end. I miss Brussels. Boys still confuse me daily. I graduate from college in 81 days. I don’t know what I’m doing after. I don’t know what I’m doing now.
That’s how it is.
That’s my world right now.
I am going to try to push myself to blog more, and I’m toying with the idea of posting some of my creative stuff here as well? I miss poetry a LOT. Like, a lot. But posting a blog post in my conversation voice is much different than posting my poems (which I am almost always incredibly self-conscious about). So we’ll see if I work up the courage.
Writing has kept me alive for 21.5 years, and God help me if I let that flame in me dwindle down to smoke. If you have suggestions or challenges to encourage me to post, I’m all ears and open inboxes.
Stay golden, kiddos. I’m sure winter will end soon and we can all get some sunshine.