Not Dead, Just Thinkin’

I haven’t blogged in a while. Instead, I’ve been recording audio messages on my walks home. It looks like I’m talking on the phone, but really I’m just spilling my guts about things coming to an end. I’m going to try to translate some into written words. No promises for how it turns out. 

Every day is a last, even if I don’t realize it. The last time I’ll grab a beer with someone. The last time I see a favorite regular customer at work. The last time someone sees me crossing the street. Last that I haven’t been able to hang onto, to claw at and cling to like sentimental sand.

I have been an up-and-down mess. I am staying out later and later with my friends, none of us wanting the party to end. (even when it comes to us sitting in a silent circle, listening to music a notch too loud). I crawl into hugs and settle there, unable to make myself let go. We’ve become dependent. We’ve become hungry. We’ve become bottomless pits for cheap beer and dance beats.

I sleep late. I roam around my apartment. I open up my journal to write poems, then close it in favor of The X-Files. I am still drinking too much coffee. I am making new friends.I went to a bar alone to say bye to my favorite bartender. I am saying goodbye to best friends. I am crying on my walks home because I am tired of saying goodbye.

I’m searching for jobs that won’t squash my soul. I’m looking at dogs up for adoption. I’m toying with the idea of starting to pack up my apartment. I’m taking naps on my couch. I’m working long hours. I’m singing out loud.

Things are strange and different and changing quickly in my world right now. When I can make sense of my emotions a bit more, I’ll write a more put-together post.

Until then, here’s a list of good things in my life:

  • The dynamic between Fox Mulder and Dana Scully
  • Summer thunderstorms
  • An abundance of puppies
  • Coffee Zone’s playlists
  • I finally snagged the Stila lipstick I’ve been pining after
  • Overwhelming love and kindness from my friends
  • Sufficient alone time
  • Co-workers that make seven+ hour shifts not awful
  • Best friends
  • Supportive mentors even when I’m a mess
  • Ice cream
  • Breakfast potatoes
  • The promise that my next chapter will be just as crazy and sad and happy and weird and wonderful as my last.

Happy summer, kiddos. Read good books and drink beer on patios. Hopefully the sun is out wherever you are.


2 thoughts on “Not Dead, Just Thinkin’

  1. I remember that feeling at the end of my semester in Barbados. At some point I noticed, wow this is my last time going to this building to study, or taking a bus to town, or going to this bar, seeing these people. It is strange.
    It passes, new adventures await. These places and memories, more so the feeling of this place stays with you long after you can remember names.

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